Oh, this little girl… Months ago I was telling Drew, I feel like our wills are butting up against each other. At that point it was just a struggle for space; now we are battling over how she will enter this world. I would like her to come head first, but she seems to think it would be more fun to come out feet first, and is apparently testing the waters with both feet in the birth canal, kicking me in the cervix (which feels every bit as awesome as you might imagine).

I’ve tried everything: chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, moxibustion, inversions and pelvic tilts and generally being upside down as much as possible… I’ve even ventured firmly into the grounds of internet folklore, smearing essential oils on my belly and holding ice packs near her head to make her want to move away. Friday we have an external version scheduled (where they try to just manhandle her into the right position. Or, you know, gently push? Except I’ve heard it’s anything but gentle). But that only has a 58% record of working in general, and even less with footling breeches. So I’m wrapping my head around the idea of a C section.

Drew keeps reminding me to just be glad we’re in a situation where no matter what happens, we will both almost certainly come out of this healthy. I know he’s right, but paranoia has entered my world in a way that is hard to shake. In this position, if my water breaks early, she’s at a greatly increased risk of a prolapsed cord. And, on a more selfish note (but it’s my body, too) the idea of her being surgically removed really freaks me out. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.

I know I need to refocus. I’ve been so wrapped up in the idea of her birth, I haven’t been preparing myself for the fact that I’m about to have another daughter, a whole little human to love and snuggle and slave over. I realized around 4am this morning, I haven’t even built her co-sleeper yet! Or restocked the nursery drawers with tiny clothes, or dug out the little bathtub/bouncer/carseat. Not that any of that takes so long, it’s just the thought that, wow, there will be a little person needing those things very soon! Like, if she doesn’t flip, in TWO WEEKS. It will be scheduled! Holy moly.

So. In the meanwhile, the struggle continues. With her and myself. Wish me luck.